SO i wrote this months ago under a different name...
i have finally made it here!! it hasn't been easy, but i made it!! i have been itching to do some writing!! not being able to write for over three months was tough!
life as i knew it has been turned upside down, right-side up and it is good!! it was HELL, but this result is 'heavenly'...and i LOVE it! i don't even know where to begin...
so i will start from this date...july 18th...i heard alley m. share her life story, and it was incredible! only 24 yrs old and so much wisdom!! (i wanna be just like her when i grow up...heheh, am 52 yrs young ... soon!) She is attending school at INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PRAYER in Kansas and is home for the summer.
hearing her 'God-Stories' really got me stirred up, but sad, depressed, hungry, angry excited and REFOCUSED!! it so easy to get 'distracted' from your Destiny, with LIFE!! life happens right?!?! sometimes good life, sometimes bad life, some by our own doings and choices we make, some by things out of our control, and then some by THE ADVERSARY OF OUR SOUL...who comes to steal, kill and destroy! but none-the-less, My God ALWAYS KNOWS WHATS UP and waitS to SEE if i will learn from these life changing events! how will i respond, what will i do or say...how will i treat the peeps involved, especially those closest to me...? husband? kids? church? pastors and leaders? what will i think of me, when all is said and done...BUT more importantly, WHAT WILL GOD THINK OF ME WHEN ALL IS SAID AND DONE...?
i have gone through SO MUCH CRAP in these last three-four months, but God has been SO WITH ME! i was soo lost...a little 'taste' of what i have experienced...
JOY HOPELESSNESS ANXIETY COLD sorrow PAIN shame BETRAYAL discouragement DISPAIR no motivation motionless EMBARASSMENT joy BEAT-DOWN love anxiety beat-down ANGER RAGE lost brainwashed PANIC CUT LOST FEAR depression dead confused broken BEATDOWN DESPERATE invisible UGLY stabbed cursed SELF-LOATHING ALONE LOOSER hate PAIN PAIN empty cursed BEAT-DOWN crushed NO GOOD KRAZY OLD RUN FAST RUN FAR joy hope encouraged pressed TIRED TIRED TIRED PANIC HOPE love laughter unforgiveness bitterness NEVERDOANYTHINGRIGHT . . . how many of you have ever gone through something similar raise your hand...BOTH HANDS...ugh.
i know God was withme through it all tho! but i did not like it one bit!! IT WAS PAINFUL!!! PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY, SPIRITUALLY, EMOTIONALLY!! hahahh and this was only in trying to bring healing and deliverance into my marriage...i knew God was 'rooting' out old behaviors, and mind-sets, and was bringing healing into our marriage cause I asked for it...although it came thru means totally unexpected, but totally God...but IT SUCKED...BIG! i wasn't sure if i could ENDURE it all...BUT I HAD TO...i wanted to FULFILL MY DESTINY...is this really what i wanted?! to go through this HELL, PAIN...I know my hubby did not want it, and he DINT ASK FOR IT EITHER!! he was sure to let me know... :)
to be continued . . .